How Yoga Broke Me Open - And Revealed a Beautiful Mess

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Adapted from Anne Clendening

 


They say there’s beauty in chaos.


When some people look at a Jackson Pollock work, they see pandemonium. It might seem like a turbulent, splattered mess of paint. It might even throw off your equilibrium.

Just think what a great ad it would make for a yoga studio:

“Two Weeks Of Unlimited Yoga! Come Untangle Your Hideous Guts For Only $40! It's unlimited!”

 


I find it weirdly comforting, this abstract expression of mental instability, overwhelming fear, sadness and alcoholism. All of which many have experienced (remember, that you are NOT alone). It’s a dance with the devil, a sexy mess of paint and emotions run amok and pain. It’s mass hysteria.


There’s honesty there. And the truth can break your heart, more so than a photo of a hot yoga chick posing on a desert rock while the warm wind is giving lift to layers of bedazzled chiffon. Those photos are gorgeous, but I just can’t relate… I’m pretty much never in Virabhadrasana III in a pasture, with a majestic sky behind me. At sunrise. Hair flowing, like a river.

It just ain’t that pretty sometimes.

We all have a dark side. We all wear masks.


The power of yoga can be just as intense and earth shaking, like a nervous breakdown. It comes in like a lion, roaring it’s head off, resistant, over-caffeinated and on the war path toward some Advil and an epsom salt bath after too many Chaturangas.


It’s more than being able to bend down and touch your toes. It’s better than a boatful of chocolate, and it rules the school, like a Pink Lady. It’s cunning, in a good way. It’ll break your neuroses down, kick ‘em around like a hacky sack and it’ll build you back up. And in that vulnerable space in between, that’s when things really start to get interesting.

At first, you’re thinking: why am I so oversensitive lately? What is going on here? I thought yoga was supposed to be funner…can’t I just get high?

Before long: This sucks! Where did I go wrong in life? And right before the breakthrough: F*?$! I hate doing stuff that’s good for me! How late is that hot dog truck outside open?  But there’s a method to the madness. Yoga will incessantly nag you and nag you and nag you, until you realize you’re happier, more connected to others and less of a maniacal, self-centered freak.

 


After a lifetime of always being on the outside looking in, I can tell you that before long, if you stick with your practice, something starts to shift.


It can be subtle. Picture yourself on your mat, breathing and sweating for at least an hour. By the time you’re in your hip opener, you’re bowing your head down toward something you really don’t understand, but you know it’s there, inside and all around. Somewhere, in a place between heaven and earth, there’s a sweet ocean of liquid light moving with you and through you. Beckoned by the moon, that ocean tide rises and falls and tangos with the watery gods. And yoga goes out like a lamb.

 


The pose is never just a pose, just like it’s not just paint drippings, now is it? There’s always a bigger picture.


Ask anyone who’s taken a Rorschach Test or has been in a deep conversation with someone with a Psychology Degree.

There are those awful parts inside all of us that are probably much better off buried in an unmarked grave, where they belong. Sometimes it’s just too scary and confrontational to deal with. Cry over it, shake your fist in the air, have a good old-fashioned temper tantrum. And in the end, embrace it. There’s nothing to be afraid of, really. Look up. There’s a spectacular view from that precarious perch where you can let yourself fall apart, and ultimately find yourself.

 


I remember the words of my teacher: practice no matter what.


For those of you who have experienced this, I imagine you remember exactly where you were in that moment. The moment, between the gap, when you felt the shift.

In 2006, Jackson Pollock’s No. 5, 1948 sold for $140,000,000. Count the zeros. That makes it the most expensive painting in the world. Damn, it pays to let it all bleed.

We are almost into February. New Years and those brand new resolutions are gone. Let go of regret and all those bad decisions. Be vulnerable, get down and get dirty. Don’t worry, the practice will pick you up and put you back together. There’s real, unshakable love out there.

 


Tell the people in your life how much you love them. Go crazy, run through the sprinklers, laugh like a maniac and be willing to make mistakes, tons of them. That’s what makes the masterpiece.